Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage

Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage.

My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage, by Gerald Rogers.

" This couple in this picture who lives happily and contented with each other after the wedding up to this time " (Please note the image shown is for illustration purposes only) Image by Jear Redondo Batiforra


Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

 Related Article :

A woman’s response to “Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage

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  • veritas

    Communicate...communicate....communicate. Never assume that "no news is good news"; Be proactive. Ask how she is feeling emotionally. Ask if she is happy. Ask how is our marriage going? Ask how things could be better. Ask if she is fulfilling all her dreams, hopes and desires and is at a point in her life where she wants to be. Talk about not just the past or the present but the future. Express your inner feelings, good and bad, and encourage her to do the same. Never sit back and think that no complaints, no arguments, no outward signs of unhappiness means that everything is going well. Listen and learn.

    • thorn

      Not just woman... Being a woman, it happens to me.. i assume everything is ok in my relationship. I still enjoy my every moment with him... suddenly he drop an atomic bomb n says he will be happy without me... I am shocked n forced to accept the fact just like that..

      I failed in my part to ask as well n assume that he is happy with me. I failed to look into his inner needs.
      Through this... i totally not confident in love or relationship....

  • Joe Blow

    Ok...this is the man's side, but what about women? I understand everything the writer is saying and agree with all of it, but it really sounds like the onus of the marriage rests more on the man than the woman.

    • Karen Collins

      The crazy part is that most women, of course their are exceptions, will respond to that kind of love with a huge amount of love and respect. When she gets what she needs, the women is more than willing to give back all of herself to ensure that her man is happy, healthy, satisfied, and whole.

      • Wrasslin’ Jimbobs

        When a man gets what he needs, he is more than willing to give back all of himself to ensure that his woman is happy, healthy, satisfied and whole.

        So why is the responsibility on him instead of her? Why not both?

        • Zeenith Ismail

          The point of the article is to highlight what he has learnt asking for a viewpoint on women from him as well is going to be speculation.

        • dmb

          No they don't, they take advantage of it and continue treating her like crap.

        • toffy

          The entire Article is HIS Viewpoint...and it is well said. Women don't want a Doormat...It takes TWO to be Married...

        • Anon

          I think this article can be reverse for women as well, like how you injected men into what she said. There was another article written by a woman that had very valid points about getting mad over the little things, not berating each other over human mistakes. I think it takes two to be married; and one side shouldn't have to do everything. It should be an equal balance and when it's not an equal balance there should be equal moments when it's not. Nothing is perfect all the time. Not one person in a marriage is always right. This was just his self reflection on what he feels he was lacking in. We don't know the details of the spilt but this is his self expression of what he wants to and needs to change and feels it should be shared.

        • grannyrn

          I don't think that was his point. Read it again. Any woman would love to have a man this thoughtful.

        • neri a

          Men are designed to love and women designed to respond to love

      • grannyrn

        Well stated.

    • harry singh

      Joe Blow, you're damn right. This article is totally lop sided. It sounds more like a woman's wishlist of what she expects from a marriage.

      • Laura Bousfield

        My husband treats me like this guy from the article, but i will do anything on the planet for my man. What my hubby gives me in love, respect, time etc i will give back to him double. This is a second marriage for both my hubby and myself, and what he says is so true. Yes this is a man's perspective but it is a man who has found some truths in his life and is willing to change because he knows ultimately he will benefit in the end. Even the bible says husband's love your wives not the other way around. A woman's love for her husband is the reflection of the love and devotion he has for her

        • Alex Jenkins

          Second marriage only implies you both make bad decisions. I give you 2 years max.

          • Laura Bousfield

            Wow aren't you a delightful person. Only a ignorant idiot would say something like this. I did not attack anybody. I just said how my husband treats me and how well. A little advice before judging others is prehaps get the history you IDIOT. My husbands first wife left with a border in their home who was 17 year younger than herself. My ex thought every woman on the planet was a catch, he was also bipolor and threatened my childrens lives and mine. The only bad decision I made was staying as long as i did. I didnt go out after my divorce and decide every man was evil. I was just really lucky to find a man who really cares.

          • Laura Bousfield

            Maybe you should re- read the article because you took it TOTALLY out of context.

        • traderjoel

          "And so train the young women to love their husbands..." - Titus 2:4

      • Mary Kay Creations

        I think if the man treats the woman like the article says, and the woman also response in the same way to a man...how can things go wrong? They cant, just respect each other and their feelings and a marriage will stay solid!

    • ChappySinclair

      Don't listen to this guy. There is a reason he is divorced. Beta males finish last.

      • twirl1

        Very untrue in my case. Nice guys finish 1st with me, and many other women I know. Some women seek drama and bad-boy types, but not me!

        • SirTimothy

          Acta non verba.

        • Alex Jenkins

          If you say.....

    • constance


      • Ykwatts

        Please see my post above...

    • Ykwatts

      Joe, please view my post above..

    • Kim Horton

      A man wrote the article.

    • Married4Life

      I, as a woman, read this as instructions for a good relationship, most of the article's advice could be used on both sides of the relationship. On the other hand, I, and most people I think, still view the man as the leader of the household, and in that aspect I think more responsibility does rest on the man, though that it's no excuse for a woman to not do her part.

    • kp

      It's often a single path like follow the leader. Not always will the leader b the man. Then the path opens like a side by side coaster of love, see my post above by. kp

    • Betty Bennett

      Strange thing............... I didnt read it as the mans side. I thought it was for either side.

    • Sandy

      A loving woman already knows this and instills it in her marriage. However, when the man-husband is blind to it, the wife could do flips daily and the husband never notices and eventually two poisons live in one household. It is the husbands responsibilty to ensure his wife feels safe and secure, emotionally so she has the strength and abilty to support her husband when he allows negativity from pain to enter their marrigae. This is why woman are based on emotion. Men and woman have different strengths for different reasons. When we unit as one, we feed off of each others strengths, only some call it control, it's compassion, and empathy a woman provides to reassure her husband that things will work out. You just have to believe. People watch TV, history, movies, read books ect. But not many read a book that will actually help him or her in lifes challenges, such as childhood pain, struggles in marriage, ect. Instead of googling diections to a place, try googling what makes some marriages work and not others. Or what can I do as a man or woman to make my marriage bond stronger. It does not have to be about religion, just a specific goal or problem. It is easier to go and mow the neighbor's lawn or fix the neighbor's garage door than it is to WANT to fix a relationship, because that wopuld mean opening up and allowing our true emotions and feeling out. You have to trust, love, be open, and honest.

  • Lily

    Over the 10 years of my (ongoing) marriage I've learned a few things.

    1. Marriage is a give and take. That means both of you give and both of you take. It will never work if one person is doing all the giving and the other all the taking.

    2. Bad moods happen, but it's important to let your partner know that the mood doesn't mean that you love them any less. Sometimes saying up front "I'm angry today, but not at you." can go a long way in preventing misunderstandings.

    3. Seriously don't bad talk your spouse in public. This goes for men and women. Marriage is all about trust, and it's hard to trust someone who talks shit about you to everyone.

    4. Have a sounding board. Someone who is older, who has a successful marriage, and most of all who you trust to keep personal issues private. You will need someone who will listen to you when you are angry with your spouse and will work on resolving this issue rather than stirring up drama. Therapist, parent, church elder who this person is doesn't matter, how they help does.

    5. Recognise the signs of abuse and make a plan of how to deal with it. I was a first hand witness to an emotionally abusive relationship as a child. Everyone has scars left over from childhood and harmful patterns can be easier to fall into than you'd think. Understand that both men and women can be abusive, and abuse isn't limited to punching. Needing to know where your spouse is at all times, and belittling their accomplishments are both signs of abuse.

    6. Sex is super important, and if it's done with love it can be a great way to reconnect with your spouse. Loving, respectful sex (even when it's kinky) will make you feel cherished and not dirty. If you leave the marriage bed feeling unclean, then you NEED to have an open honest conversation with your spouse about your wants and desires.

    7. Know what you want, or at least have a general idea. It's really hard to communicate your needs in an open honest way if you don't even know what you need. Your spouse isn't a mind reader. It's up to you to make your desires known. Be honest to the point of bluntness about your emotional wants and needs. If you need a hug, let your spouse know. If you need some space let them know.

    8. Expect respect, and give it in return. If you tell your spouse that you need some alone time, expect them to respect your wishes and do the same for them. Mutual respect is a fundamental foundation for a good marriage.

    9. Have things outside of your relationship that make you happy. Happiness comes from within and depending on your spouse to make you happy is unfair to them and to your relationship.

    10. Be willing to work things out, but know when it's over. Sometimes marriages end, but in some cases the relationship can be saved. "We make better friends than lovers" is a saying for a reason.

    • Bob Sack

      this is 100x better than the original article

    • PaulC

      The points you've made are much more realistic than the article.

      • http://www.beautybylarkins.com Debbie


      • http://www.hydrosupralicked.com/ Ally Fiesta

        For real, the article is WAY too many things to focus on.

    • Bob Barker

      I like this better than the article telling men to be doormats for women to wipe their shoes on.....

      • Grēgorios Boyd

        right about that.

    • thorn


    • kp

      This is so very true. My husband and I both 2nd marriage came to a stale point after 20 years and it took us 6 years to figure out just this. Marriage is harder then raising kids , it's a two way street but the whole holds the leading foot creates the positive or negative road you will walk together, often it's a single path, like follow the leader until the path opens and ur side by side riding ur coaster of love and happiness.


      It takes TWO to be Married & each should satisfy the other's needs but Ephesians 5 vs 23 says that a husband has authority over his wife as Christ has authority over the church & 1 Peter 3 vs 1-4 says you wives must submit to your husbands so that if any of them do not believe God's words, your conduct will win them over to believe, it will not be necessary for you to say a word instead, your beauty should consist of your true inner self. Nowadays,women can be so ignorant to the point of fighting for an unnecessary authority that wasn't bestowed upon them in the beginning by God, telling men to sell their Scriptural right for women to wipe their shoes on...

      • lilykep

        1. You're assuming everyone is Christian.
        2. I'm not.
        3. Why did you feel the need to comment on my post?
        4. Go away.

        • Army_Guy

          You're assuming that an anonymous stranger espousing his personal worldview is somehow dictating how you must live your life.

          No one is forcing anything on you, no one is oppressing you. You read his comment of your own free will, and you can take it or leave it as you please.

          • lilykep

            His comment was directed at me. Much the same way this comment is directed at me. I only respond to comments directed at me, BECAUSE THEY ARE DIRECTED AT ME!

          • Army_Guy

            Oops... I should have read all comments rather than just skimming. I assumed your post was in response to the article itself. My mistake.

          • lilykep

            Misunderstandings happen. No hard feelings. :)

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  • Donotask

    That was beautiful

    • Clyde Griffin

      This article is one-sided and bias. There is many unanswered questions. He is not the same person mentally, physically, and maybe spiritually. IF he those same attributes, this article would not exist. Truly sorry for your divorce, but let's seem as if she has no pat in your divorce. It is my concern women desire dictate or be in on a men's role. I think most women want to do what men do, and still accept the traditional rewards of a woman. Question? If traditional courting presents woman as home makers, then why most of them cannot cook? Nor do they desire to treat the man out to dinner? There is a big blur, where definitive lines and roles once were…this is not a fix all article, nevertheless it is worth reading. Comments?

  • Jake Jones

    Chill the fuck out

  • Liliana

    It just breakes my heart .
    I was married for 16 years to and it just not the men job is us to as awife and women to never stop loving your spouse is easier to give up .so that's what we think but is not !
    Love unconditionally

  • CeeDubb

    : That author dude is SO gonna get some.

  • CeeDubb

    : That author dude is SO gonna get some.

    • Nelly

      Yes he is!

  • Ykwatts

    Dear Gerald,

    As I read your article about the lessons learned by your divorce, I began to reflect on my own divorce from a woman's perspective. While I don't feel your article may be entirely relevant to all couples depending on spiritual, sexual, or personality preferences, your words of wisdom definitely resonated with me. I found myself beginning to tear by the third point. Why? Because in many ways, I had a husband that did many of those things, and I was the one that gave up. Grant it I ended a relationship after 7 years, not 16, but it was still the most gut wrenching, life altering heartache I have ever gone through, especially with a child. In response to your article, I felt compelled to write my advice (paralleling and restating much of yours verbatim) as a woman on the other end of things. So here it goes..

    1. Wives, never stop giving your spouse a reason to stop courting you. Don't allow yourself to become a victim of complacency. Live your life in such a way that your partner cannot help but want to "court" and continuously date you. Don't lose your fire, your ability to remain interesting and engaging, and participate in the process of creating new and meaningful experiences. When he asked you to marry him, you wanted him to own and protect your heart, but you must also own and protect his. Yes, you chose him and said "yes", but he also CHOSE you. Never forget that and get lazy in love.

    2. Protect your own heart. Make sure that you take time to know yourself, and love yourself entirely because you cannot love your spouse entirely and experience his love fully, if you never loved yourself. Find peace in the fact that you were created by love, and find a place in your heart that is created solely for your husband. Do not let that space become compromised by people or things in and around your life.

    3. Make him fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change and will continue to change. Even when it seems that you and your spouse have landed on completely different planets, take the time to find that common ground. Embrace change for what it's worth and remember how and why you fell in love with him to begin with. Love is far deeper and complex than a simple emotion. It is a constant choice to fight for the love of your relationship. Remember that HE DOESN'T HAVE TO stay with you. If you pull back, distance yourself, or simply stop trying, someone else CAN and most likely WILL capture his eyes, mind, and perhaps his body and soul. Do the best to be as desirable as you were when he was courting you.

    4. Always see the best in him. Know that there is not a single perfect person in this world. Focus on the positive and positive thinking will become habitual. If you focus on all the things your spouse lacks, you may consequently emasculate him, discourage him, and slowly but surely increase the distance between the two of you. Take time to remind him of his strengths and accomplishments rather than being critical of the little things. No husband wants a nagging wife, so instead of nagging, give him something to brag about instead.

    5. It’s not your job to change or fix him. Your job is to love him as he is with no expectation of him ever changing. And if he changes, love what he becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

    6. Take full accountability for your own emotions. Hormones or no hormones, you have the ability to take control over your emotions and especially your actions that follow. Do not allow your emotions to become codependent on your partner because in the end, you will be disappointed. It is possible for you to still feel happiness and joy in your heart even if your partner is going through a mixture or lack of emotion. When you learn to regulate yourself, you not only feel more balanced but can also better meet the needs of your spouse. Their bad day does not become your bad day, but rather your positivity can keep balance and harmony in your home.

    7. Never blame your husband if you get frustrated or angry. It is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this man because he was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by him and you will wonder why you ever were.

    8. Allow your husband to just be. When he's cold or upset, give him the space that he needs. Let HIM tell YOU what he needs on his time. He may not want to talk about his emotions and he may not want you to have all the answers. Know when to speak and when it's better to just remain silent. Know his love language so you can better understand how to respond to his needs. DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN HE'S UPSET and don't PUSH HIM AWAY by making it about yourself or trying to "fix" the problem. Stand subtly, but present so he can rest assured you aren’t going anywhere.

    9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make him laugh. Life can be stressful but if you take the time to tap into that child-like joy that we still all have inside us, you can alleviate much of that stress, even if it is for brief moments of time. Laughing can truly make everything easier.

    10. Stimulate his mind, body, and soul everyday… learn his love languages and the specific ways that he feels important and validated. Know that the way he perceives love may be far different from you. Take time to go the extra mile. Help him feel that you are proud to be his wife, that he is all the man you want and need. Show him he is attractive and desired, even when he may not look his best. It's OK to let his ego puff up a little from time to time. Remember that you should not just be his wife but also his lover, best friend, and encourager. If your husband feels fulfilled in all three domains (mind, body, soul) the chances of him feeling the need to look elsewhere for fulfillment are much less, and he will most likely reciprocate what he is being given.

    11. Be present when needed but give him enough space to feel like he can also take time to do things he enjoys and spend time with his friends or colleagues. You don't need to be securely attached to his left hip! Remember it is perfectly healthy to have separate interests and spend some time apart. Sometimes that little bit of space may be just what you needed to relight the spark.

    12. Be willing to take care of him sexually, to let yourself melt away in his masculine presence. Consume and devour him with your feminine ways and listen to what his body is telling you. Let him dominate you if he wishes and equally dominate him every so often if you both so desire. Take him by surprise. Throw out the moo moos and throw on the sexy nighties more frequently then not. Get creative, sustain the passion, give him something to long for and dream about. In turn you will see your husband's peaked interest, and may gain more confidence in yourself as well. Put forth the effort to make yourself as sexually attractive as possible. Your efforts may help sustain his desire to stay attractive to you as well. Make sure you are both sexually satisfied on a regular basis. Don't let this part of your relationship become routine. Chances are when you become more passionate in the bedroom, that passion may out pour into other areas of your life.

    13. Stop pointing the finger and pointing out his mistakes. Instead, try to become more self aware and work on how you can better yourself. You will make mistakes and so will he. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

    14. Take time to nurture yourself, especially after you have children. You NEED that time to recenter yourself and find what feeds your soul. Ask for that space when you need it because he may not always be in tune with what you need. He is your husband, not a mind reader! And remember to show gratitude when that space is given.

    15. Help him feel secure about being vulnerable. You don’t have to have it all together and neither does he. Be willing to listen to his fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes. Be slow to speak and quick to listen, and you my find that your hubby becomes progressively more comfortable being vulnerable with you. It can truly be a beautiful thing!

    16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust he has to be able to feel like he can share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to hear. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open his heart and let you in when he doesn't know if you will like what you find. Love him completely, his darkness and his light. HELP HIM DROP THE MASK! If he feels like he needs to wear a mask around you and show up perfect all the time, neither of you will experience the full dimension of what love can be.

    17.Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

    (I could not say that any better than you put it...)

    18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win. Be honest with yourself and your spouse about your expectations financially. Ask yourself, are my expectations necessary? Realistic? A detriment to my relationship? Like everything created in this world, money comes and goes, but true love, true naked, honest, committed and passionate love is rare and the greatest treasure one can experience in our short time here on earth.

    19.Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Do not let your sharp words rehash the past and damage the hope for your future. Holding on to past mistakes that either you or he makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

    20. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

    Much of these words I have restated because of the power and truth that resides within them. I only wish I had this type of wisdom before I got married and before filing for divorce. By far, losing who I thought was my "forever" was the hardest loss I have ever had in my life. My dreams were absolutely shattered, but I know I cannot live looking backwards. I am lucky to have found love again and I can only hope by learning from my mistakes, I can build a better future for myself, my daughter, and my future husband. My original fairy tale may have ended badly but I will still keep on dreaming...

  • ghost

    This is mostly junk from a guy that lost out. If he knew this much, then why didn't he use any of his "knowledge" while married? You want some advice?! Here it is. Only "be" with one person EVER! Once you both decide you want to be with each other, let that be IT! You're welcome.

    • GameFreak982928

      Um, didn't he say he learned this AFTER his divorce, IE as a result OF the divorce? Seriously, I'm pretty sure he made it abundantly clear that his marriage failed because he failed to do these things.

  • Tom

    I have YET to see a woman write stuff like this, always men and their stupid regret and remorse. Men write all these lovey dovey articles, they do all the study and all the theories are invented by them. Few women do anything other than use men and their foolishness. All our cultures have been radicalised by stupid men politicians favouring ''the weaker sex'' because they are in a position of power, manipulated by a woman in the first place. There are few homes where girls are reared to not be ''princesses'' or ''fashionistas'' Who when they grow up use crocodile tears to manipulate situations with their men.
    This is utter rubbish. No decent woman needs to be ''reasured'' of anything. She will already know if she has the decency, common sense and morals.
    The same applies to men! They are all sissies, save a small minority and we are all getting worse because we wont create a proper education system, not just in schools but at home too.

  • Fernando Poe Jr

    If you have the right woman, she will love you no matter what and she'll never stop forgiving even if you messed up with everything on your list. I guess the woman missed advice #20 because she's busy complaining about and counting all your mistakes. My advice to you, treat yourself out generously after your divorce is finalized. Because you my man, you just freed yourself from another 16 years of miserable life with her.

    • Nancy L Boldosser-Cintron

      lets see complain, forgive , don't think so .. after 28 yrs hubby says don't love you any more, don't want to be with you, don't touch me, go to grab him its private, rejection right along with that. and brought a female in our bed. hell no,
      no forgiveness on that

  • http://www.piddle.me/ Cary Smith

    Can we run away together now? Seriously I'm pretty sure the percentage of men with this emotional maturity is like 2%.

    • Wrasslin’ Jimbobs

      You think that pampering a princess is "emotional maturity"? This piece is emotion porn for women who think that men should come in on a steed and whisk them away to worship them in a palace.

      I'd be somewhat impressed if this were written gender neutrally. Why be specific to women? The fact that there are enough women to consume this claptrap is proof that not all women are as "emotionally mature" as your post implies.

      Lastly, I wonder if you'd run off with him if he were fat and ugly and poor. I somehow doubt it.

  • Jameson

    I agree with alot of the things listed above but what about the woman's side? Why are there so many memes and articles about what men lack in this and men don't do that. You rarely see anything negative about women as if they're perfect. I can't be the only one noticing this

  • http://TazzAndPaulaShow.com Tazz Powers

    Gerald Rogers... OUTSTANDING! Please create a tiny book and put it in ALL the grocery stores. <3

  • TiMeSpLiT–TeR

    Listen to this guy. Treat your lady like a queen, not your mother. If she leaves you for any reason even though you do everything what the article says, it's her loss not yours.

  • Reality

    Are you kidding! This is exactly why relationships don't work. In this article you have turned the man into perfumed poodles. This is as ridiculous as the expectation women have of a night on a white horse in shining armour. Once off the horse and out of the armour all you have is a real man without the Disneyesk ,happy ever after fairy tales. He's not necessarily tall dark handsome, rich, humorous, intelligent, tolerant, self expressive etc, etc. etc. Good luck with this silly advice and we'll see you all in divorce court in a few when the fairy tale ends in a nightmare!

    • Cat


    • Fran

      That may be your reality but for many it's not. The article is true for both people in the marriage. I can say that after divorcing two fools who had no clue how to behave in a marriage. I gave 100 percent and they both gave 75percent in the marriage. Silly oh me for beliving in them both. Lesson well learned.

  • Anthony

    After reading this - maybe she might want to fix it? I know I would be inspired to hear these things....

  • Lover Man

    Great Article and thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom gained from them... One thing mentioned in this piece was the statement "I will get married again" - It makes sense that you want to take all the knowledge you've learned and apply it in another relationship, but, making such a strong declaration that "you will get married again" I believe is putting not only undue pressure on yourself, but will on a potential future relationship.... Please please don't let the desire to be married again cloud the focus on making sure that the next time you get married, should you get married/want to get married again, is with the right person and only the right person you can breed the love and eternal comradely you outline in your article... It's a slippery slope, and while everything you mentioned are beautiful tasks/steps to keep your marriage engaged, those actions need to come genuinely aka there is no formula that will ultimately ensure a lasting marriage forever other than the mystery surrounding that fact that God has bonded you with someone - and you feel that bond in the good, bad and the ciaos. If your head is clear, you'll be able to see that someone you're intended to be bonded with when the time comes - the "work" will be seamless, your worries will be light, and wonderful things will grow from your love. Cheers to this next season, you'll be in my prayers and thanks again for sharing your wonderful insights.

  • xreadmore

    This is lame. Just be yourself, if she doesn't dig it, find a woman that will. END OF STORY.

    • Alex Jenkins

      That's a terrible way to be married. Don't get married if she doesnt dig you....

  • daisylu

    I doubt this was written by a man.

    • maxsnafu

      It was written by a man working on divorce number two.

      • daisylu

        That's what the article says but I don't believe it. It has female written all over it trying to pass as a man.

  • Kaj

    written by a woman pretending to be a man...This is not how marriages work. Being the slave to one another. It's being there for one another. What a crock of hula this article is...Another fantasy article written for Women without real perspective or value.

  • PaulC

    Great article if the partner treats you in the same manner, otherwise you'd be a walk over which I see happen to a lot of men.

  • secti

    First, I doubt very highly this was written by a man.

    Second, I call bull-honkey on items 6 & 7. "...she CAN'T make you sad"? Oh really? I'll take that bet. You telling me that if I hand you an envelope full of pictures of your wife banging her fitness trainer (wearing the lingerie you bought for her) you're not gonna be sad? You're not gonna be a little teary-eyed over that, and if you are, it's because you just haven't found your own happiness & joy?

    Ninja please.

    And number 7 implies she should be able to do whatever the heck she wants & I'm just supposed to be delighted with it, & not get frustrated. Are you mother-fudging kidding me?

    What a bunch of manure.

    A healthy relationship is a two-way street. If it's good for the goose, it damn sure better be good for the gander. Any woman reading this article needs to be prepared to live & breathe all 20 items FOR her spouse if she is to legitimately expect it from him, because double standards are not sexy.

    • martin_y

      well, my wife banging the fitness trainer sounds like more excitement than what I had - 12 years of a line down the bed.

  • Ron Hollifield

    Make sure you keep separate Checking accounts..... or she will rip you off..

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  • Molly

    I've been Married for 29 years now . My husband and I got married when we where just 19 my( husband) and 17 my (self ). We had our first child not long after we where Married , Trust me it wasn't easy we both give 100 to this marriage. we have had our good times and bad times trust me . We work on our marriage every day theres no giving up , we are best friends . we talk to each other every day just about any thing and every thing . We now have 4 children . And we couldn't be more Happy .. If you realy want your marriage to work pray to gether and never ever give up hope for you and your soul mate .. <3 <3

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  • Edward

    Good pointers. I have been married been 40 years. Bottom line is it take 2 to tango. (IMO) However I tend to give my wife a 60/40 advantage. Marriage life is smoother and happier this way.

  • thorns

    No matter what...
    In a basic relationship, communications are very important. Communication is the basic fundamental.
    Love do not come n go as and when we like. Love is not sacrificing one party n think that its for the happiness of the other. Love is not a one side thing, it should not be base on 1 party decision.
    Love will not disappear overnight.

    The real happiness is when they went through thick n thin together. Through this mutual understanding will grow to the next level.

    But sometime its so ironical, in this era... human being had taken love n promises so lightly. Love n promises had become so worthless. When one choose to leave, all this love n promises will be flush away quickly into the toilet bowl.

    I wonder..... Is there really true love in this era?? I used to believe but not now.....

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  • Charles Ross

    One mans pleasure is another mans poison
    I would not take all of this advice on board.........some .........but not all.
    A relationship is a "partnership"
    And both "partners" need to contribute "equally"
    If that happens the relationship will flourish.
    If it is all one sided, like this post seems to be IT WILL FAIL!
    In my opinion.
    I believe this man (Gerald) blames himself for the breakdown, and over compensates in his advice.
    Relationships come and go, if both people in a relationship contribute equally......it will survive the test of time.
    In my opinion

  • jimmyk

    The guy is an epic walkover. Written by a women more like it. Money doesnt matter? you gotta be kidding. Noob to the bone

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  • ex-wife in recovery

    It's nice to see something addressing husbands. It seems like in my circle, all the responsibility and blame lands on the wife's doorstep and we really can't make it work by ourselves.

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  • SeeingMoreThanBefore

    Gerald Rogers, Thank you for sharing your point of view from your prior marriage. You didn't make lengthy statements with excessive examples. I've studied books from both men and women on their point of view and you've experienced many of the same and summed it well. For those who do not want to only hear from a man's point of view from his own personal experience read the following: Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson. Eggerichs (The Love She most desires and the Respect He desparately needs)
    It's from both sides. Yes, men you are to lead and strive to lead in a loving manner that makes your wife overflow and rush to respect and give you more than you deserve with priceless things that only she can do. After all isn't that what love is, giving even when the receiver doesn't deserve it but needs it. How do we love our children? Why not in the same manner of how we love them or ourselves in turn love the one that is our partner/teammate in the fight to keep the marriage as a united and strong front against those that want to steal, kill and destroy it?! Didn't you once find it worth fighting for?

  • http://ClashDaily.com/ Donald Joy

    The grass on the other side of the fence always looks greener. If the author (assuming a man really wrote it) was still married to her, he'd never have written this.

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  • TwoCents

    I agree with these points and believe that it's both the women and men who need to do all of these things...there's one thing that I know was missing in my relationship that was definitely one of the contributing factors to my leaving....compromise....there was NONE...well, plenty by me, but he got his cake and got to eat it too, but my needs were thrown by the wayside...I refuse to accept crumbs ever again. Besides, crumbs give me heartburn!

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  • https://www.youtube.com/user/starbrethren KMoGame

    I half expected "1. Don't get married" lol

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  • Victoria Pinchak-Higgins

    My daughter-in-law sent this to me just now and tears are rolling down my cheeks..... I have just been so deeply touched by this that I feel overwhelmed by a pounding heart and so grateful that YOU have expressed that this is how you feel because I feel this same way from the perspective of a woman .... Imagine when two souls collide who feel this way so strongly so deeply what it will do to the world and the rippling affect it will provide on the children involved in separation and divorce.... I promised my 25 yr old son today that I would never live without this in my life and he would never have to face another toxic male again....... Thank you .... Wish I knew you.... Feel I already do....

  • Diana

    WHY do women gauge their happiness through a man's eyes?

  • Zoran Tesovic

    Too late for me... unfortunatelly we are done...
    where were you 2 years ago?

  • Conquest Craig

    Hi guys,
    Just adding my 2 cents on apart of...
    If there are no disagreements within your relationship, it's probably not going to work out. Everyone will have opposition, and that's ok, but no one is exempt from trials. Opposition is not the problem, but it is how we deal with that opposition, which will only nourish the goodness and reinforce the foundation that you both have worked so hard for. Or on the other hand, if anger becomes the leader in your discussion, it will shade compromise unto darkness. Understanding will have no place, and as the conflict continues in anger, to the point that you are both tossing dirt at each other, you will find that you are both losing ground.

    I understand that we are only human and nobody is perfect and we learn from not only our own experiences, but others as well. Instead of just trying to pull yourself out of your trials, go through them instead. This is the refining process that concretes a marriage if we know how to drive opposition.

    The only way to become a King, is to treat your spouse like a Queen!
    With that being said: (for the believers). In the Bible of Genesis, it teaches us that Eve was created form Adam's rib, therefore I say:

    Woman was taken from the side of man to be equal to,
    She was taken from under the arm to be protected,
    She was taken close from the heart to be loved.
    She was not taken from underfoot to be trampled on.

    Marriage is hard work, but well worth it...

  • Ernesto Bloberg

    We have been doing these and others for 23 years, second marriage that will see me closing my eyes when death takes me away from my soul, my friend, my love, my wife when I last glance at her wrinkled face and kiss her for the last time as I go see my maker! Love you babe!

  • http://www.saintzero.com/ Aggressions

    Well looks like the person who's divorce now didn't follow some of its points if he divorcé. I can add a point to this. Women keep your husband happy by keeping his stomach full and his balls empty.

  • grannyrn

    All I can say is wow. The lady that captures his heart this time will be one fortunate lady.

  • jack

    I'm sorry but this is obviously NOT written by a man. Number 12 is a dead giveaway. Not to discredit it because there is a lot of good advice, but it is very one sided.

    • Sandy

      Jack, it is one sided because it is from a man who looked inside himself and found his own faults in his marriage. He did not blame, accuse, or hurt anyone when writing this. It is not about any woman, it's about himself, decisions, choices he made during his marriage that added to the failure of his marriage. He learned from his mistakes. It was not about her, it is about him and what he believes he failed at. By acknowledging his own failures he has learned what he needs to do in his next committed relationship to make a better partner for his spouse. IT IS NOT ABOUT HER< I am a woman and see this for what it is for. It is for this man who has acknowledged his mistakes and shared it openly, and is either working on forgiving himself or has forgiven himself.

  • Alex Jenkins

    Easily the most sexist article I have ever read. Main points:
    1. Shut up and earn your wife money
    2. Don't have feelings, you're a man and men don't have them.
    3. Worship her make list as to why she is a goddess.
    4. Forgive her for being a bitch, even if she cheats.
    5. You're a man, a walking ATM, shut up and do your job.

    • Laura Bousfield

      Maybe you should re read the article because you took it TOTALLY out of perspective

  • SNS77

    This is the view of a guy who obviously got divorced and didn't want to/regrets it. He's putting all of the burden on our gender instead of approaching it as a couple... which is total bullshit. If I'm not getting the same effort from my partner, then we have problems. This? This is the musings of broken man who appears willing to be an emotional servant without getting the same considerations in return. It's pathetic.

  • Christopher N Sonya Milu

    This is one of the best articles I've ever read on marriage!! I noticed many comments about why does the man have to do this? Who's more responsible in the marriage? Why is it the man's responsibilty? What about women? Yada, yada... These are examples of why marriages are failing. Hint to men, if you are heeding this man's advice, any decent woman would walk to the ends of the earth for you!!! Marriage is work for both spouses. We should enter a marriage with an attitude of how can we love, serve and appreciate our spouses. Not what can they do for me or who should do it first. You would be amazed at the reciprocity when you love, cherish and respect someone. Have a blessed day!

  • Jeanne

    Marriage is a commitment not only to your spouse, but to God as well. I just can't understand how two people who claim to Love God cannot work out their problems and obey him by forgiving each other, doing what it takes to reconcile and not get a divorce. If one person loves the Lord and is willing to work it out, but the other is not willing to work it out, but claims to love the Lord, this person is deceiving him/herself. God hates divorce and people who claim to love Him will really work hard to keep that marriage together.

  • Nicole Susann Randell

    A couple thoughts in response. To #12 - there are a lot of ways to be sexual in a relationship; the ideals described here are very coitally-focused and gender stereotypical. But perhaps your wife would wish sometimes to be the active, powerful one, while you to sink into YOUR passivity.

    To #14 - instead of giving your wife a "break" from tending constantly to your needs, your child's needs, etc., stop seeing those things as "her job" and take care of yourself and your kid without having to be told (by her) to do it. There's nothing less appealing than feeling like your husband's mother.

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  • Realist17

    Sounds like the divorce wasn't his choice and more like hers. This advice is one sided and biased to her. The only thing he mentioned about himself was to love himself. Which is true but I mean, statements like this "make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen." And "And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not." That's a load of crap. It's a partnership. And you grow together. If your significant other changes and it's not what you want, don't be miserable and just accept that. I'd take being alone and happy rather than with someone and unhappy. This article is not "beautiful" because he's saying what I'm sure he hopes his wife reads and changes her mind.

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  • Rhonda Nelson

    It's not that the woman's responsibility is lost, the author just felt the need to share what HE learned, and what he feels HIS role is. A person can express one side of a viewpoint without it being one-sided.

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  • TexasNena

    Poignant truths beautifully written. I've been divorced (single) for 21 yrs now. Just when I want to pray for getting remarried, I witness phenomenal couples who allow their marriage to fall apart. Years ago a man preached specifically on the subject of marriage & the one statement that replays over & over in my head is, " What it took to win her/him is what it'll take to keep them. "
    Continuing the courtship, pursuing one another, learning the love languages & even personalities are desperately vital. Responding, not reacting generally gets you to the root of a problem rather than just witnessing the emotions associated with it. Etc.
    Thank you!

    • Lamentations

      That preacher did a horrible disservice to you and everyone in the congregation. Just because it stuck with you doesn't mean it is worth remembering or repeating.

      What it takes to keep your spouse is this: the vow you made before God and witnesses. I am not diminishing the importance of ongoing selflessness, love, and sacrifice to make a marriage work. But what the man really told you is that if you do not feed the feelings that cause people to fall in love, they will fall out of love. As though love is 100% hormones and 0% an act of the will.

      Perhaps we should rewrite the vows and just get rid of all the pretense. Instead of "as long as you both shall live" maybe "as long as you both shall feel" would be more fitting given today's sensibilities.

  • Miriam Pia

    Ask my ex husband's current wife. I doubt she will say anything good about me, but there must be some reason other than how bad I am, that has facilitated her being married to my husband longer than I was. If something seems wrong maybe it is, but then again, maybe it's just that I'm left handed.

  • Shanec0271

    "Take full accountability for your own emotions. It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness..."

    "It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not."

    "never blame"

    "never get frustrated or angry"

    "Commit to being an EPIC LOVER"

    "SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else..."

    So let me get this straight... I should shut up, put out, keep her happy, never expect her to keep me happy, and if I'm discontented with that, prepare to be dumped?

    Whatever happened to "it takes two", you know, mutual give and take?

  • Jess

    I love this article, not because I'm a woman and this is how men should be. I read this for myself and how I can reverse it to meet the needs of my wonderful boyfriend. Some of it is a bit whimsical but I like that it is his point of view from his life.

  • Lee

    So what are you supposed to do once you've given for so long and they ignore your requests to communicate and one morning you just wake up and for some reason something clicked and you're just done with it? I don't think there is any going back.

  • greyghost1

    Don't get married inn the first place and If you want kids use a surrogate and hire a nanny. (don't date the nanny)

  • Lamentations

    I really hope that Mr. Rogers wises up before he finds wife #2 and she ends up doing exactly the same thing. If not, he'll again be completely bewildered and probably pen another Conventional Wisdom Classic that repeats the tired old refrain that if any man will just do all these things, he will have an adoring, committed wife that will be crazy hot in bed, his one true "soulmate" to grow old with, and they'll weather every storm with relative ease. If he only would have been "that guy" - the wind beneath her wings - it all would have worked out.

    Not so much.

    There is a reason why this stuff gets a bazillion likes on Facebook and 249,000+ shares. And there's a reason why it is like a washing machine with the jeans all bunched up on one side as it spins itself into a frenzy of Maytag debris. It's completely imbalanced and it isn't what women really want.

    Sure, it's what they SAY they want. It's what they've convinced themselves they want, the way a 3-year old insists that if they could just have a plateful of sugar at every meal they'd be truly happy. And the culture largely lines up behind them and urges them on by assuring them that if they could simply find men that would give more, sacrifice more, love more, and allow his world to orbit her sun, all would be well. But it's completely bogus for precisely the reason the washing machine spins itself into oblivion. It. Is. Imbalanced. Marriages work - or not - because two people accept their responsibilities, not just one. Had Mr. Rogers done all of these things, with perfect consistency, he very likely would have found - much to his surprise - that he was given some variation of the "I just don't have feelings for you anymore" theme. Women say that if men just treat them like queens, all the time, everything else will just fall into place.

    Only it won't. Funny how in marriage the more supplicating you do, the more your spouse can't figure out why they aren't attracted to you anymore. "He's such a *nice* guy" is generally code for "let's be friends - not lovers." You can be among my adoring orbiters, but you don't represent any challenge to me."

    And, exactly what obligations did Mrs. Rogers have in all this? I am very tired of reading these lists - whether from men or women - that imply the only reason a woman strays is because the man failed to be Mr. Amazing and for this gravest of insults the feminine imperative is that he must forfeit half of his home, 401K, savings, and probably consign himself to seeing his children only on weekends.

  • greatguy999

    I hope that men here realize that God did not create the woman to be boss over the man? She was created for the man, to be a helper for him as he pursues his life mission, not to make her his life mission, or to worship her and supplicate to her? She is not meant to be a distraction and a consumer of all his energies, but to genuinely respect, honor and support him?
    Are you men here accepting subjugation in your own families? The author of the original post deserve to be divorced, because all he did was supplicate to his wife, and failed to provide leadership. A woman who is not ready to follow my leadership is not worthy of being called my wife. Men should man up ad refuse to accept this abomination of arrangements that people call "marriage" these days.
    Man is to love his wife. The woman is to honor, respect and obey her husband. Yeah, I know the feminized society will have a problem with some parts of my writing, but that is how it has worked for Centuries and that is how it is going to work, because that is God's idea, and God created marriage anyhow. We have tried the feminist method over the last 45 years and all it gave us was 50% divorce rate and wrecked lives. It shows we must be doing something wrong now.

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